The blahs. I have them. Or rather, I have had them, and I continue to have them, although at some times, they are less aggressively BLAH than at other times.
Hence the name of this site, because it’s not only a punny play on “blogs,” but it also sums up the relationship I often have with the BLAHS, which is the affectionate term I’m assigning to the mishegas that I deal with.
Depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, alcoholism, self-destructive behavior are the primary manifestations of the BLAHS that I deal with on a regular or semi-regular basis. Sometimes all of these manifestations are present at once, sometimes none are present, sometimes some are present in a reduced form, etc. Most of these I have dealt with since puberty (or earlier). Alcoholism is a more recent manifestation. While I have only been clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I have lived in this body and in my mind long enough to know that the other manifestations are real and would be clinically diagnosed were I to pursue diagnosis. I haven’t done so, nor do I plan to, unless I feel that a diagnosis is absolutely necessary in order to progress and heal.
At the beginning of 2013, I went through a breakup that eventually became very hard for me. The four years that have followed have been a struggle for me in many ways, and while the breakup was a major catalyzing agent for the struggle, it was by no means the sole cause. Now, at the beginning of 2017, there is a pull that I cannot ignore, and it is internal. I am pulling at myself, needing to place my foot one in front of the other, on a journey towards healing and love. It is the journey I am already on, but I need to be fully open to it, fully aware of the process, fully awake to the possibilities. Until now, I have begrudgingly been moving forward, without being open, aware, and awake. I have been sleepwalking through life for a while now, and I have discovered that it is exhausting.
This blog is a sacred space for me–a travelogue in which I am recording my forward motion. It will not always be pretty, and I find that I am nervous about putting it out into the Universe. But I realize that I must be accountable to this journey: I must literally create an account of where I am coming from and where I am going, and I must be transparent in my travels.
You are welcome to witness, but let me carry this travelogue alone. If I need help along the way, I promise to ask. But for now, simply walk with me if you choose to. I will do the same for you.